So i just needed a space where nobody knows to vent my pent up frustration on all the shit that's going on around me recently. This blog's so ancient it hurts. I guess it's pretty much forgotten.
So yeah, you know how sometimes it's just so bloody obvious how you feel for a particular someone but that person still acts or is seemingly oblivious despite your best efforts? I mean do you really need me to tell you in the face how much im beginning to fall for you? People ask me why it's different this time. It just is. With you, i don't see the need to look at other guys, im pretty much satisfied and accepting about your shortcomings, at least the ones i know about currently and the feeling's just, different. But i guess you're just way too preoccupied with your own life to see how much im trying to get to know you. To see how much im trying.
Trying.
I don't really know what to say anymore, it's just that you're becoming so much to me, too much for my own good, and way more than i wuld like you to be. But i honestly don't think i actully mean anything to you. I don't have to be anyone special, just show that you care about me sometimes, can't you? Just a simple "how are you?" or even just a "hi" would mean so much to me. I know i sound like a desperate bitch but i don't really give a shit anymore. Sometimes your actions really cut me down pretty bad, i wish you knew. There are just way too many things i wish you knew. So many. How much i like you, how i want to be someone to you, how much i think about you, how the only reason i fell for you was never because of your physical appearances, how much i like your mysterious aura, how you blow me hot-cold and bring me on an emotionaly roller coaster, how i costantly think about how we met, that day, on that bus, when i finally had the guts to speak to you, the feeling you give me by just speaking to me, how i replay your smile over and over in my head everyday, how that image is still so vivid in my mind even after a week or two of your absence, how much i love the extremely rare times when you smile and are nice and funny, how much i love your smile, how much i love it when your face lights up, how i think im just bloody crazy to like this random guy i met and talked to on a random bus and get so high over him even though it's only been a few weeks since we spoke, how i want you to know how ong i;ve been eyeing you, 2 months? 3months? The list will go on and on and on, and there are so many things i want to tell you that i cant. I hope that someday, you will read me like a book and maybe we will become something more. Words would be unnecessary in our presence because our very presence would mean and speak so much more. I just hope that someday you will find out how i really feel. My heart's given away, to a hopeless romantic that i so happen to like so very much. Do you know? Can you know? Will you ever know? Questions plague me endlessly, till then, bye.

xoxo.

It's a refreshing change to be back here after so many years. I honestly don't know what bunch of crap i've just written, my mind's hazy. But it feels nice to know there will always be this space for me to vent. I dont know how much longer it'll be around for though.

check it out. sceptichysteria.livejournal.com . Not moved just managing two.

i'm seriously considering moving on to livejournal against all my talk about changing links.opinions?

"Are you cold?" Easy asked when the two of them were sitting on top of the bluffs, overlooking the slow moving Hudson. The sky was lightening to smoky gray, and Easy wanted to watch the sun rise. He put his arm around her shoulders.
The it girl series,Notorious by Cecily Von Ziegesar

I missed having someone to ask if i was cold.I missed having someone sitting with me to watch the sun rise.I missed the feel of someone's arms around me.I missed everything about you.But that has passed."Newfangled" life, "newfangled" mentalities. But deep inside, i know--that i'll never be as insouciant as i was.Never.It's really enigmatic.How i can feel this way.I learnt that copping out of problems is not a way of facing the demons that lie deep within us.Copping out of problems is not a way either.I can't say that i don't feel the knife stabbing at the ebbing pain in my heart whenever i think back.It still hurts.But i'll just have to repress my feelings.Because there's nothing i can do.I doubt there is anything you can do either.But most importantly,i've learnt, the hard and slow way,to let go.No matter how painful it is.The best thing you can do in certain situations where you're in a crossroad,is let go.It's the best for both parties.I don't deny that my world slowly and painfully came crashing down on me when i heard from you.The lights in my world were instinctively cut off.Just one bulb causing the rest to shut off.Pitch black.The mystical eden we shared was doomed.I knew it.But did not face it.But letting go is the only solution.I did not want the end to come.You did not either.But we were forced and there's nothing we can do but leave a special place and mark in each other's hearts and move on.I used to think i did not deserve you.Inferiority.And maybe as a result i did not treasure you.But all that was in the past.I will forgive and forget and move on.Forget the "fuck this shit" attitude and get a positive outlook in life--a little impertinent to my point?i know.But i've come out of this a stronger person and more matured.I have someone with me to help me confront my problems and he is lovely and sweet.I no longer miss having someone to hold,someone to talk to that much anymore.I hope you are okay and don't worry about me.

Though this matter has blown over,i still fight back the tears that sting my eyes and wet my face when i think about what could have been.You chose this path.It was not what you wanted.Not what i wanted.We were forced.But i've found my hero.Someone who helps my pain dissolve into happiness.It's heaven.My current status:lost girl with a hero.I can say that i've forgotten 9-10 month of feelings that i had for you.But the freindship-it's something that i'll never forget.It was wonderful.I cant say that im a conformist in the area where relationships are concerned.I have my opinions.I have to thank all my volleyball teammates,my good friends,bestfriends and all who have showed concern for me when i was down.You guys really helped me pull myself together.Thanks for the tags and letters wrote to me.Looking at you guys' "enthusiastic-ness" i really told myself i had to pull myself together.Thank you guys:DI LOVE YOU!Im okay already.Quoting what i told my current,'Relationships are just merely a part of growing up.They are meant to help you grow and mature and c ome out of each one a stronger indivual.'What he replied struck me.'A relationship is like....a bad one will destroy you and a good one will mould and make you.'I cant exactly remember what he said exactly.but it really struck me.He also played a major part in helping me pick myself up.Thanks to him too.Oh and to this important guy,HAPPY 15th!!Just wanna let him know that 'You're special to me.You hold a special place in my heart.You're special in God's and everyone's eyes.Thanks so much for all you've done for me.'I've picked myself up and moved on.Its joy.But if you still wanna be my friend im always open.I'll never close the door on someone who has left me with so many memories.good and bad.You've helped me to mature and grow into a new individual and im grateful.But i think that its time for both me and you to move on.If i have moved on thought im still bitter in my heart you must too yeah?Okay so now we've both moved on,we'll hold our memories close to our hearts and leave a special place in each other's hearts okay.The end had to come anyway.I hope that you're doing fine cuz i am too.I have found someone i love and i hope you have too.Thanks for everything.I hope we can still be friends.

What the heck is so wrong with me?These few weeks.I have been thinking alot about you.I just made a realiosation that i was blankly staring into space as i think of you.I really miss having such a good friend to talk and confide in.I still have not gotten over you.Its torturing me.I lie on my bed missing the familiar chats we had,the sound of your comforting voice and thinking of you.I used to have you to calm me down and comfort me after a bad day and someone who i could actually talk to without restrictions.Someone to share my happy and sad moments with me.Bt its all gone.Gone.I Really wish you could come back to me.Tears are still unevitable.Thinking of you hurts.It hurts so so much.But,damn,i cant stop.I cant find the words that i want to say.I remember when i would get high on the phone with you.Maybe you did not know but i was actually tripping over my words.You are just so beautiful.Too beautiful.I really miss you brightening up my day.Shit.Why do these fucking tears just keep flowing.Aren't they tired?I am.Bitch.Im crying again.Im shattered.Still.If you think i have gotten over you,i'll let you know that no,i have not.Its darned painful.Okay so maybe i hide my emotions well.But im scared.Scared of being alone.Loneliness will make me think.Think of you.Your perfection...everything about you.Scared of being without you.Scared that now i have to face all my problems on my own without you.Im scared.Cant you see?I need your embrace me.Your familiar warmth and comfort.I really need your embrace when my tears are flowing.Wipe them away.You sweep me off my feet.I Love you.Come back to me.Please.I miss you.

Do you really want this?Is this the outcome you wanted?If so,very well.I cant seem to sleep and im practically killing myself by overworking myself.Getting sent to detention at the RC.These questions keep bitching at me.So much till i cant sleep.Help me.You're killing me.Its already 1.30 and im really....Its so sudden.too sudden.Must this really end here.My heart cant seem to let go though my mind tells it to do so.I cant let go.Face it.Live with it.I love you too much.Please.just contact me one last time.one.last.time.These things are really begginning to bitch at me all day.My moods making me become a bitch.hell.NO.i have to stop.but how?bitch the things that got me so fucked up.bitch them.Im really tired out.my eyes hurt from all the tears.pi thought that maybe i would have no more tears left.but the pain keeps coming back.tears seem never ending.im really bitched up with eveything going on around me.i really am just so so so broken.Must you torture me like that?Why.My mind is in a whirl.i cant seem to think straight.there's this empty pit in my stomach that i cant seem to get out.its painful.It will take me a long time to heal.But for now i still wont give up.I dont think its worth it.Till circumstances force me to.Which i can guarantee will not be soon.Love is blind.You can say im mad.you can say im a bitch.you can say anything but its a fact that im in great pain now and i cant forget you somehow.Please.come back to me.i need you.